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Beware Doe-eyed Invaders by Michael Turnauer The Columbian, November 8, 2007

With apologies to Stephen Colbert: Congressman Brian Baird is to be applauded for his tough stand against invading sea lions. By authorizing the use of lethal force, Baird demonstrates his recognition of the imminent threat to our very sovereignty represented by the doe-eyed sea dwellers' unprovoked invasion of our territory.

Not satisfied with their bounty in the Pacific, a horde of extremist sea lions has surged all the way to Bonneville Dam. Anyone with a lick of sense understands, as Baird does, that our failure to immediately and firmly confront the problem there will only embolden the gluttons to further their incursion to our grocery deli counters and even our seafood dining establishments.

There is no compromise with these treacherous creatures; nothing less than total salmon dominion, and our unconditional conversion to sea lions, will satisfy them. Weak-kneed apologists betray their complete lack of patriotism and deep seated hatred of salmon with their predictable and pathetic defense of sea lions' aggression. They were hungry? Oh, puh-lease!

Our "leaders" in Washington must be urged to join Baird in support of armed insurgence against the sea lion occupation of Bonneville Dam and preempt their war on terra.